Grasping the Lessons...

Oh my goodness! This week has been so full of wonderful lessons and blessings. After the weigh in on the 23rd, I felt really great about my weight loss. But, me (the addict) wants more. However, what I have learned from all this past week are the little miracles that never could have taken place, had I not been chosen for this competition. I met with Ty (The Terminator) on Friday, I did 2 miles and then some interval training with her. She had me doing some cardio, the bike was great, it was the rowing machine that had me thinking some not nice thoughts about Ty. At some point I think I said, "I'm going to have the guy over there take you out back for me!" Her response, which of course was funny, yet true, "You'll have to catch me first!" Yea, not gonna happen for me at this time, one day! She of course gave me that dang medicine ball, squats and then throwing the ball against the wall as high as I can. Ummm...really not one of my favorite things to do. There were other things that took place, I just tend to remember the ones that gave me the most pain. Towards the end of my workout she had me do step-ups with 30 pounds of weights on my shoulders for 2 minutes. Then, she had me do it again without the weight for 2 minutes. She looks at me and says, "This is what you have been carrying around with you! How much easier is it without the added weight?" Talk about emotions coming to the surface! What a shot of reality. In that moment I was so proud of how much I have lost so far. I have been pushing myself to the limits up until Saturday. Saturday was the day my knees told me that they were in so much pain. I started my workout with Zumba, then I tried to do my normal 3.5 miles. Yea, that did not happen. I ended up doing one mile. Later on that day I went back to the pool and did 20 laps in the pool. My new goal will be 64! Sunday came along, and I was doing a fundraiser for the program I participate in. The Pie In the Eye, event. Lets just say, I did not enjoy the pie in my face, I will post pictures of course. But, we got into a bidding war on some pies that were up for a silent auction. Charlie wanted to chocolate pie, and the little girl that wanted it decided to opt out of the bid, we ended up with the pie. I wanted the coconut cream pie, not the whole pie, just a bite. Well, the guy I was bidding against decided to leave the event. Yea, I know! We ended up taking two pies home. I had plenty of points for the day. We had a good dinner, and I decided to have a very small slice of pie. I ended up taking three bites of coconut cream pie and three bites of the chocolate cream pie. WARNING! Do not attempt to eat sugar when you have been sugar free for 6 weeks! I wanted to puke, I had a headache, my heart was pounding. It was just the thing to cure my sugar addiction that I once had. I looked at those pies in my fridge this morning, I thought, "Oh, barf!" Never again! I am so over the sugar, sweets! I am so proud of how far I have come. I felt so guilty this morning. This is not the week to be testing my weaknesses, we are no longer a team. We are now on our own to make it or break it. I did not workout yesterday. Which only means that I must workout extra hard tonight. I am learning so much from this opportunity. I am by far learning to love healthy foods, and a healthy lifestyle. I am learning to eat healthy snacks and meals, that give me more energy and help me to feel good. I no longer feel groggy and lazy. I have more energy, more stamina, and more excitement about my life.

I Feel Great!

To be honest, I feel great! Starting from our last weigh in until today, it has been up and down, like always. My son, was home sick for a week. We were in and out of insta care and the ER, so finally we went to his pediatrician. My mom suggested we have him checked for diabetes. Yea, yea, yea mom. But, when we were sitting in with the doctor he proceeded to tell me that Isaiah should not gain any more weight this year. This is when my head started telling me that I might want to listen to my mother and make the suggestion to the doctor. The doctor tested his blood sugar, it was 105. Which was a little high for a child his age he said. So, he ordered a fasting blood test. I am patiently waiting... I feel sad that my son might have diabetes, it took me by surprise. At this point I am going to do the very best I can to teach him the proper things to eat, and what to stay away from. He is also going to stay active, if it is the last thing I do.
Other than that, he is back to normal and feeling great.
I was unable to meet with Ty on Friday however, I will be meeting with her tonight! Yes!! I am excited, she has this gift of helping me feel so fantastic. I love my training days!
Thursday I did the stop sign with Mckel and I felt great! Saturday I put in some miles at the gym and of course it felt great! Sunday, I was disappointed that the weather came in and ruined my plans of hitting the pavement and doing some more miles with Charlie. When the weather finally changed I was on the couch taking a nap, and lost my mojo! But, oh well! No worries, it was a good day of rest and I don't regret that I took time out for me and my rest. We did go out to eat at La Frontera, what did I get? Well, I ordered eggs and chile verde side of beans, and I had one tortilla. It was a 15 point meal. I just watched what I ate the rest of the day and felt great! So, yesterday was Monday and I put in 3.5 miles on the treadmill (50 mins for 3 miles) and 4 miles on the elliptical and 4 miles on the stationary bike. Yep, you guessed it, I felt great! Today I went in and did the 3.5 miles and beat my time on the 3 miles, I did it in 48 minutes. I am so excited about it, I managed to do my first mile in 15 minutes. When I started this journey my miles were 20 minutes and the 3 miles were in 60 minutes. This is an improvement for sure! I am starting to see that my endurance and tolerance in my workouts are getting better and better. I just need to figure out what I can do to loose more of the pounds. Someone told me to cut out the carbs and eat more of the veggies and protein. Which is understandable, however, at times I am wondering what to eat due to the points I am suppose to be eating. Right now with weight watchers I am at 42 points. I need to be honest, this week I have not been able to eat all my points. What my head tells me to do is eat a weight watchers snack cake or ice cream, but to be honest I don't want to. I just drink some water and grab an orange and eat that instead. Which consists of zero points! I want to get out of the habit of grabbing something that would do more harm than good. I want to be able to eat healthy no matter what. I feel that this may or may not be beneficial for the weigh-in tomorrow, but at this point I care more about my overall goals than this particular weigh-in. I have reached a point in this competition that I want to win! I want to win more than anything, it would be a great experience for me. But, I don't want it to take over my mind, my thoughts, and my actions to the point of stress, and fear. I am relaxed, I am working on personal goals at the gym and I am positive that I will see results. I have no idea if they will be the best results on the scale, but they are the best results within myself. I am believing in myself, I am seeing the strength I have increase, and I am exited about getting dressed for the first time in years! I am already winning this competition. The only difference is, it is the competition I have been having within myself over the past 20 years. The one I have with the voices in my head that tell me I am not good enough, or I can just have one donut, or just quit now. Today I am winning and I feel great! Once I get started there is nothing that is going to hold me back! I am on my way to a new way of life and a new me and right now as of last weeks weigh-in I am 20 pounds lighter in 4 weeks! I am a success, I am worth it, and I am loving life!   

It has been an emotional week! I don't know where to start. I have been on this up and down emotional roller coaster ride. I have gone from happy to sad, to pissed off and discouraged, all the way to grateful and full of hope. There are some things going on in my life that are causing some stress to spill over into my weight loss goals. There are times when I am working out, pushing myself to limits and just when I think I can't do any more, something clicks in my mind and the tears start to roll. The other day I was on the track taking my laps and my mind started to race in and out of the years of my life. I found myself crying while I was jogging, wiping my tears in hopes that no one noticed (I know, silly of me to think that people are watching me). I just thought to myself, "Oh geez, these are not tears of physical pain, just the emotional pain that is breaking through." I never thought that through this weight loss journey I would be breaking down walls of emotions that I didn't think existed. I for some reason thought that I have worked on my pain, and my life through the 12 steps, which of course I have, but it was on my disease of drug addiction and the wreckage that came from all of that. Today, I am able to work on a different addiction that I have, emotional eating. The other night after the weigh in, I was extremely disappointed in myself. This has nothing to do with winning or losing the contest, this has everything to do with my personal goals I have set for myself. I lost 2.8 pounds, and I was upset about it! I have worked, and pushed, and worked, believing that I would pull some huge number. When I left the weigh in I called and spoke to Roseanne (sponsor, she is the best), and told her what I really wanted. I wanted to go to get me a nice shake, fries, and a big greasy cheeseburger. The amazing thing about sharing my feelings with her was the fact that once I said it, I didn't want it any more. The anniversary of my brothers death was the other day as well, tons of emotions from that came pouring out. What I realized through the emotions is that I know how the pounds packed on, I ate and ate my way through my feelings. So, Friday comes and I meet with Ty "The Tiny Titan" and she has me to the breaking point, here come the tears! Yea, I know! What the heck is up with the tears? She told me something nice, like I am proud of you or your amazing. Which at the time made a huge impact on my feelings, she believes in me more than I do at times. She helps me to create this image of myself, this image that one day I will no longer be a fat person. We talked about the contest, and my weight loss. I shared with her that it wasn't about the contest and my discouragement from my weigh in weight loss, it was the fact that I am doing this for me! I told her that I don't want to be fat the rest of my life. She told me that I wouldn't be. Which gives me hope.
Ok, so I have this tiny issue that starts to happen for me when I get about 20-30 minutes into my workout. Yes, this is a spoiler for all you readers who may not want to know this, but it is reality. Ok, so here I am working out and I just get my rhythm going and I have to go to the bathroom. Yes, the little ladies room, not for a little tinkle, but for a dookie doo! I hate it! But, it is true usually about a mile into my run. I have spoke to some others and they say this is normal. However, very uncomfortable for me which in turn is frustrating when your trying to meet personal goals. Geez! The good news, I am doing a 15 minute mile! Whoooaaa! This is huge for me, when I started 3 weeks ago, I was at a 20 minute mile. My goal this next week is to do 3 miles in less than 45 minutes. I know it is possible!

I believe in me!

I know that regardless of what happens over the next nine more weeks, that I am amazing! I have been doing things that I have not been willing to do for so many years. Last Friday I met with Ty and things were rough. We did so many different exercises, consisting of cardio and weights of course. But, my the time my hour was up, I wanted to throw-up! She had me pushed to my mental limits, and just when I think I can't do any more, she slaps out another set of each! I am thinking, "Ok, lady I'm gonna have to hurt you. Just as soon as I have the strength to do it!" At some point I was thinking, if I just threw you over this ledge into the basketball courts, it might not hurt. However, I am not that kind of person. Just a thought! It went away after I left the gym :) Oh, and Ty already knows my thoughts, not at the time... On the more serious note, Ty is amazing. She pushes and pushes and gets me to the point of proving to myself how much I can! The one thing at this point that I know that I will master, is that stupid jump rope! Oh, my goodness does it drive me nuts. I will by the end of this competition be able to jump rope continuously for 2 minutes. I have a few battle wounds on my elbows, I think I only fell once, it was almost like a rolling fall. Had to be there, I think I should have someone taking photos of me, they would be priceless come this time next year. 

Something else over the weekend... I went to buy me some new jeans. Why? Well, what happens to mine due to the thunder thighs that I do have, holes start to take over. Yes, holes! My thighs rub together so much that they create friction, and soon the jean is no longer there, just a hole where jean used to be. Yes, I know a sad, sad situation. So, I went to the mall. I invited my friend to go with me. She is a skinny little thing. I have to add that because she went to all the plus size stores with me. Aaahh, a glimpse of what a woman of my size must go through to actually look nice and have clothes that feel comfortable on. It was so nerve racking! Nothing at the first store. Why is that? Well, the pants are either way to long, or they are UGLY!  Why in the world would designers make things so inappropriate for fat people. We cannot wear strips in that direction, hello! Ok, so then the next store... UGLY! Finally I found some pants. Yes, I was willing to try on a few different pairs of pants and finally purchase two pair. This is just to get me through the next few weeks, hopefully! I will soon be out of a 20-22 and into the teens again. Whoot! 

I must be honest people, I had two bites of a chocolate cake. I know, I know... I wanted so much more believe me. But, I only had two bites! Amazing, I love cake. It is my weakness at this point. Not the store bought kind, I am good on that. It is the homemade delicious ones that get to me every time! 

I am feeling good about my weight for the first time in a long time. I guess the reason is, I am doing something about it. I know that no matter what happens tonight, I have done the very best I can, and I am so proud of myself for that. I believe in me, I know that I am worth it, and that I am already a winner. I have pushed and pushed this week, and there is nothing holding me back! 

How did I get to 300 pounds?

I have been asked this question a few times since I have started "Big Loser 2011." The first time was in my interview with Chris and LaRae at Planet 94.1. The next time I was asked this question was during my first work-out with TyAnn. Both times I responded with the same answer, "I eat my emotions." However, when I was working out with Ty, this response brought out a ton of emotions. I felt like crying, and just letting it all out. But, I didn't, I would not allow myself to go there. Now I am at a place where I keep going there in my mind. I keep replaying the emotions behind my relationship with food. So, I am going to blog my emotions today and release my feelings and reasons I eat, I am going to tell you a little bit about me.
I am the youngest of three children, I had two brothers Andy, and Anthony.Both of my brothers were born with Hemophilia (genetic bleeding disorder), which means they needed blood transfusions (factor 8 or 9) to help clot their blood. In the 1980:s my brothers were infected with HIV, they were eight and nine years old. In February 1997 Andy passed away. This started the long hard road of drug addiction. I was on a journey to not feel the emotions of the loss of my brother from that day forward. Unfortunately, for my daughter she was caught right in the middle of it all. I was fortunate enough that my mother and grandparents took great care of her while I was on this road of destruction. The older I got, the more types of things I tried, living in denial that I had a problem at all. I got involved in a painful, loving, abusive relationship. What does that mean? Just like it sounds, we were both drug addicts living together, on the good days things were good, and on the bad days things were disastrous. So many words and so many tears, I never understood why I allowed myself to get to that point of unhealthy, unmanageability. Within that relationship I had my son, and he was my blessing. A few months later my father committed suicide, March 2004. That was the day my drug addiction took me and everything I loved and destroyed me. I became completely controlled by drugs, and nothing could stop me from using. I could not deal with the fact that my father was gone, and never coming back. My heart was broken beyond repair. The only thing I wanted was not to feel the pain any more. I soon moved to St. George and I continued my addiction in a new city. Eventually, getting to a place where GOD stepped in and said "I am going to do for you what you can't do for yourself!" Purgatory Correctional Facility. This is where I was able to get clean for 34 days. This is where I was able to get a glimpse of a program called Narcotics Anonymous. I have been clean since August 5, 2005. Ok, so I have learned how to not use drugs, I have learned not to use drugs no matter what happens in life. However, up until this point I have not learned how to deal with my emotions in a healthy way. I can share my feelings, but then I eat, or I don't eat! In May 2007 Anthony passed away. It was a very painful experience for me. He was my big brother. He walked through the deaths of our brother and my father. He was my hero, a fighter! But, our family walked through this pain, and for me I ate my way through it. I did start going to Dixie State College and in May 2010 I graduated with my Associates, I am currently working on my Bachelors in Education. I got engaged almost two years ago to a wonderful man, who is also an addict in recovery. But, this has not always been the case. He just recently came home from a program and is now working hard on his program to stay clean. But, the process in between his recovery was very stressful, and heart-breaking. I can tell you this, he is my soul mate and I couldn't have been blessed with a better man. This past summer my grandmother Ester passed away from cancer, this has been another one of those painful, emotional eating my feelings experiences. A month later my godfather, Jim passed away. Can I just say, "I hate funerals!" and I really wish death didn't have to happen. So, here I am... 300 pounds later! I replaced my drug addiction to a food addiction, I should just say anything to make me feel different addiction. I am learning how to eat, and I am learning that I do not have to pick up anything at all to help me feel better. I just need to sit and wait, and eventually the feelings change. Right now I am using the gym to help me deal with emotions, and at times I cry, but at the end of the day I am proud of how far I have come and where I am going. I am taking my life back! I am the only one who can change my weight, my feelings, and my life. Today I am going to be the best me I can be,and look in the mirror and know that I am worth it! I know that if my family members were here right now with me, they would be proud of me and all of the wonderful things I am doing today. I do have an amazing family and amazing friends to share this journey with, and I love them all!