How did I get to 300 pounds?

I have been asked this question a few times since I have started "Big Loser 2011." The first time was in my interview with Chris and LaRae at Planet 94.1. The next time I was asked this question was during my first work-out with TyAnn. Both times I responded with the same answer, "I eat my emotions." However, when I was working out with Ty, this response brought out a ton of emotions. I felt like crying, and just letting it all out. But, I didn't, I would not allow myself to go there. Now I am at a place where I keep going there in my mind. I keep replaying the emotions behind my relationship with food. So, I am going to blog my emotions today and release my feelings and reasons I eat, I am going to tell you a little bit about me.
I am the youngest of three children, I had two brothers Andy, and Anthony.Both of my brothers were born with Hemophilia (genetic bleeding disorder), which means they needed blood transfusions (factor 8 or 9) to help clot their blood. In the 1980:s my brothers were infected with HIV, they were eight and nine years old. In February 1997 Andy passed away. This started the long hard road of drug addiction. I was on a journey to not feel the emotions of the loss of my brother from that day forward. Unfortunately, for my daughter she was caught right in the middle of it all. I was fortunate enough that my mother and grandparents took great care of her while I was on this road of destruction. The older I got, the more types of things I tried, living in denial that I had a problem at all. I got involved in a painful, loving, abusive relationship. What does that mean? Just like it sounds, we were both drug addicts living together, on the good days things were good, and on the bad days things were disastrous. So many words and so many tears, I never understood why I allowed myself to get to that point of unhealthy, unmanageability. Within that relationship I had my son, and he was my blessing. A few months later my father committed suicide, March 2004. That was the day my drug addiction took me and everything I loved and destroyed me. I became completely controlled by drugs, and nothing could stop me from using. I could not deal with the fact that my father was gone, and never coming back. My heart was broken beyond repair. The only thing I wanted was not to feel the pain any more. I soon moved to St. George and I continued my addiction in a new city. Eventually, getting to a place where GOD stepped in and said "I am going to do for you what you can't do for yourself!" Purgatory Correctional Facility. This is where I was able to get clean for 34 days. This is where I was able to get a glimpse of a program called Narcotics Anonymous. I have been clean since August 5, 2005. Ok, so I have learned how to not use drugs, I have learned not to use drugs no matter what happens in life. However, up until this point I have not learned how to deal with my emotions in a healthy way. I can share my feelings, but then I eat, or I don't eat! In May 2007 Anthony passed away. It was a very painful experience for me. He was my big brother. He walked through the deaths of our brother and my father. He was my hero, a fighter! But, our family walked through this pain, and for me I ate my way through it. I did start going to Dixie State College and in May 2010 I graduated with my Associates, I am currently working on my Bachelors in Education. I got engaged almost two years ago to a wonderful man, who is also an addict in recovery. But, this has not always been the case. He just recently came home from a program and is now working hard on his program to stay clean. But, the process in between his recovery was very stressful, and heart-breaking. I can tell you this, he is my soul mate and I couldn't have been blessed with a better man. This past summer my grandmother Ester passed away from cancer, this has been another one of those painful, emotional eating my feelings experiences. A month later my godfather, Jim passed away. Can I just say, "I hate funerals!" and I really wish death didn't have to happen. So, here I am... 300 pounds later! I replaced my drug addiction to a food addiction, I should just say anything to make me feel different addiction. I am learning how to eat, and I am learning that I do not have to pick up anything at all to help me feel better. I just need to sit and wait, and eventually the feelings change. Right now I am using the gym to help me deal with emotions, and at times I cry, but at the end of the day I am proud of how far I have come and where I am going. I am taking my life back! I am the only one who can change my weight, my feelings, and my life. Today I am going to be the best me I can be,and look in the mirror and know that I am worth it! I know that if my family members were here right now with me, they would be proud of me and all of the wonderful things I am doing today. I do have an amazing family and amazing friends to share this journey with, and I love them all!