It has been an emotional week! I don't know where to start. I have been on this up and down emotional roller coaster ride. I have gone from happy to sad, to pissed off and discouraged, all the way to grateful and full of hope. There are some things going on in my life that are causing some stress to spill over into my weight loss goals. There are times when I am working out, pushing myself to limits and just when I think I can't do any more, something clicks in my mind and the tears start to roll. The other day I was on the track taking my laps and my mind started to race in and out of the years of my life. I found myself crying while I was jogging, wiping my tears in hopes that no one noticed (I know, silly of me to think that people are watching me). I just thought to myself, "Oh geez, these are not tears of physical pain, just the emotional pain that is breaking through." I never thought that through this weight loss journey I would be breaking down walls of emotions that I didn't think existed. I for some reason thought that I have worked on my pain, and my life through the 12 steps, which of course I have, but it was on my disease of drug addiction and the wreckage that came from all of that. Today, I am able to work on a different addiction that I have, emotional eating. The other night after the weigh in, I was extremely disappointed in myself. This has nothing to do with winning or losing the contest, this has everything to do with my personal goals I have set for myself. I lost 2.8 pounds, and I was upset about it! I have worked, and pushed, and worked, believing that I would pull some huge number. When I left the weigh in I called and spoke to Roseanne (sponsor, she is the best), and told her what I really wanted. I wanted to go to get me a nice shake, fries, and a big greasy cheeseburger. The amazing thing about sharing my feelings with her was the fact that once I said it, I didn't want it any more. The anniversary of my brothers death was the other day as well, tons of emotions from that came pouring out. What I realized through the emotions is that I know how the pounds packed on, I ate and ate my way through my feelings. So, Friday comes and I meet with Ty "The Tiny Titan" and she has me to the breaking point, here come the tears! Yea, I know! What the heck is up with the tears? She told me something nice, like I am proud of you or your amazing. Which at the time made a huge impact on my feelings, she believes in me more than I do at times. She helps me to create this image of myself, this image that one day I will no longer be a fat person. We talked about the contest, and my weight loss. I shared with her that it wasn't about the contest and my discouragement from my weigh in weight loss, it was the fact that I am doing this for me! I told her that I don't want to be fat the rest of my life. She told me that I wouldn't be. Which gives me hope.
Ok, so I have this tiny issue that starts to happen for me when I get about 20-30 minutes into my workout. Yes, this is a spoiler for all you readers who may not want to know this, but it is reality. Ok, so here I am working out and I just get my rhythm going and I have to go to the bathroom. Yes, the little ladies room, not for a little tinkle, but for a dookie doo! I hate it! But, it is true usually about a mile into my run. I have spoke to some others and they say this is normal. However, very uncomfortable for me which in turn is frustrating when your trying to meet personal goals. Geez! The good news, I am doing a 15 minute mile! Whoooaaa! This is huge for me, when I started 3 weeks ago, I was at a 20 minute mile. My goal this next week is to do 3 miles in less than 45 minutes. I know it is possible!